More and more I have come to admire resilience.
Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam
returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous
tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side,
it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true.
But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers,
mitochondria, figs -- all this resinous, unretractable earth.
Jane Hirshfield
A tree is shaded by another tree and “responds” by turning towards an open sunny space and people around the world, from the beginning of time come through heart ache and tragedy with a heart full of love.
For decades I felt compelled to understand how that could be. I longed to know how Elie Wiesel and Viktor Frankl found their way to help others after surviving concentration camps. The fact that Nelson Mandela could stay sane and kind despite serving 27 years in prison was, at that time, beyond my comprehension and our world teems with stories of courage and song and even laughter coming out of unspeakable suffering.
We turn to resilience when our life crumbles . . . it is in break downs that we look for break throughs. Most often, when faced with uncertainty and darkness, we turn to emotional and spiritual resilience.
Our world is breaking down in so many ways right now. In many respects in our personal lives and on a jaw-dropping collective level. I suspect none of us have experienced anything on this level before – a global pandemic, real questions about economic survival and inequality, social and civil unrest in the US, a reckoning climate crisis, a breakdown of systems, and a profound uncertainty and chaos – it is not yet fully known how our lives and our world are being impacted; will continue to be impacted and importantly, what is our response, personally and collectively.
It is hard to see a break through as we come to terms with such a vast change, as we live through the in-between period. Instead, for the most part, we are all living in a heightened daily question . . . what can we count on, what do we truly value, what can we realistically expect . . . of ourselves and our world, which way is up and which way is down. We are living in the jaw of a break down, as cracks in our world views are revealed.
We are living in a collective state of vulnerability.
We are born resilient. Let that sink in. It is in the marrow of our beings to be open (vulnerable) and naturally bend and flow. We have it in our DNA to learn and grow from hardships and disasters and traumas. Every time you feel broken, every time you run from yourself . . . remember this – you are naturally cohesive and are designed to regain balance when knocked off center.
I was a wide-eyed student of resilience for decades and whatever research I did brought me to the same place over and over. It seems we come into the world with something no amount of scientific research could define. When we really dig into the soil of resilience, we find love . . .
No matter how much our mind fragments into pieces and parts and likes and dislikes, our natural state, our native being is whole. No matter how much fear takes over, our natural state is love.
Knowing, knowing-in-your-bones-kind-of-knowing, that you are naturally whole, fully equipped to break apart, fall face down in the muck of it all, see no-where to turn, lose all sense of certainty and . . . knowing that, in the quietest soil of your heart is the sunshine that brings you to fully flower . . . knowing that, might you not courageously and consciously break open, fall down, fail, take an honest look at yourself in the mirror, and question your illusions?
Being resilient begins with turning towards vulnerability. We are vulnerable to the chaos and free-fall we are living through right now . . . we are vulnerable to the insecurity that comes from so much falling apart at the same time, and we are vulnerable to how we are feeling, what we are thinking and how we perceive everything that is happening in the outer world and the world within us.
As counter-intuitive as it sounds, vulnerability is our friend; it is deceptively strong and pliable, a nutrient soil for creativity and resolutions. When vulnerability is welcomed completely; when we come to it without the slightest resistance, the ease we are seeking, is revealed; the freedom and creativity we long for opens and saturates us. We tend to have strong ideas about being vulnerable . . . we will look weak, we will be weak; we will be taken advantage of, hurt in some unredeemable way, we will lose something necessary and not be able to function or survive well, and we might die from the feeling of vulnerability itself.
It is this very mind-generated orientation to vulnerability that creates trouble for us though. In truth, our vulnerability can be a doorway into deeper and deeper self-awareness. It allows us to discover who we are not, what beliefs are keeping us small and opens us to listening to the love in our hearts. Being friends with vulnerability can show us there really is nothing about us that needs to be fixed or corrected, we needn’t be at war with our human condition, our thoughts or our feelings; instead, with kindness and compassion and generosity, we discover we are essentially unguarded and sensitive and designed to be in direct contact with all of life, including our softest belly.
We see the world as we are . . . and quite often we are unconscious to what is at play inside us as we look out into our world. Our entire life experience is a series of thoughts and emotions. We know from all kinds of studies that people experience the same external circumstances as completely different, based on their thoughts, their emotional frame, their past experiences, their sense of self.
What gets your attention? . . . more often than not there will be some slice of things, some particular dynamic, some specific attitude or phenomena that looms larger than other things that are happening or being highlighted and this particularity might get under your skin or trigger you. And maybe even convince you that what you are seeing is absolutely and completely the way things are . . full stop, no questions asked!
However, when we turn and face ourselves, kindly questioning our motives and recognizing our psychology and perception are limited and often cloudy; when we commit to self-awareness/consciousness we can begin to see our patterns of thinking and behaving. As we become aware of these patterns, we can draw out the unconscious assumptions, and challenge them when they don’t serve us and are not aligned with reality. Largely, we all have inbuilt reactions to adverse things that happen around us (or inside us). From burning dinner to not being able to pay our bills, to losing something we hold dear, to a loved one dying, we have a learned response to all happenings or phenomena that we encounter in life, and those learned reactions dictate how we respond to a particular situation. When it comes to something large and overwhelming the vast majority of us have a learned reaction of helplessness. We throw up our hands.
This learned reaction is not only untrue, it is fundamentally counterproductive.
Consider this seriously . . .you are not powerless. Instead, you are in the midst of a potential opening. Take notice of how your mind tries to insist on your helplessness (and collapses into that helplessness or fights against it with aggression) in the face of the challenge and refuse to buy into it. Notice it and refute it, gently but firmly. If need be, notice it and process it, gently but firmly.
It often takes adversity for us humans to willingly change, to bring us to our knees. More often than not, we stay complacent and habitual (even unconscious) when things are somewhat moving right along.
When faced with things falling apart, personally and collectively, we come to a choice point. We can open to expanding our consciousness, opening and aligning with the flow of life and reality, or we can settle deeper into reactivity, more entrenched in psychological patterns and smallness.
You have the ability . . . the innate resilience to see every single challenge as an invitation. Whatever confronts you, there is your opening. A powerful thing you can do is to be present with how you perceive and behave in the situation, no matter what is arising in you. Yes, it can feel incredibly scary and vulnerable to be so transparent to yourself, which is why it is helpful to remember you are designed with the capacity to evolve. Through intentional presence you have the option of making constructive use of the situation, maturing, transforming how you see yourself, how you see reality, and using yourself as a catalyst for change; in other words, you have the capacity to become more conscious . . . evolve . . . every time you come up against hardships.
Imagine, if you will, the relief of being aligned with change instead of having to deny change is happening or believe you are supposed to have all the answers.
Attached as we are to many forms of status quo in our lives, relationships, job, home, etc., we often delude ourselves that they are permanent. But the fact is, nothing is permanent; everything is always changing, no matter how much we insist on standing still, hanging on to fleeting moments. And resilience reminds us, always, we are “made” for change.
We can make the conscious choice to grow, to expand, to open and keep opening. We can make the conscious choice to let go of the old, reveal what has been hidden and consciously choose love.
Every one of our actions begins as a thought or emotion. Learning how to peacefully and compassionately navigate your thoughts and emotions is an important life skill you can build. How not to panic or lash out when you experience “negative” or scary emotions is central to everything. It is the mishandling of our emotions that often leads to self/other-dislike/unhappiness, chaos, acting out, and our world’s biggest problems. It’s rarely the sadness or frustration that is the main problem. It’s how you react: the taking it out on yourself or others, that becomes the big issue.
And . . . yet . . . our biggest challenge lies in an ultimate detachment from the outcome.
We can be fully present with our thoughts and our feelings, we can be mindful about our environment and loving to everyone and everything . . . and . . . there is no guaranteed outcome, no matter what you might want or presume or envision or intend. When you are honest with yourself, you look straight into what is authentic, knowing that anything can happen in any moment, in any way . . . knowing you can be surprised, you can be disappointed or maybe even upset . . . slightly or in some major way, and you can find relief in that vulnerability. It is possible to find rest in knowing there is no Hollywood ending; you don’t have to kid yourself with a false sense of perfection and you make peace with the fact that, when it comes to reality, it is ultimately mysterious and you are not going to ever fully understand its’ full nature.
No, not perfection, not a Hollywood ending . . . instead, the beautiful vulnerability of love.
Love is the most vulnerable thing one will ever be.
Fully and unabashedly open-hearted love . . . raw-heart-beating love.
What makes love so vulnerable is its’ openness to everything and everyone. Keeping your heart open no matter what, having an open mind, listening sincerely and with genuine interest, not being attached to anything or anyone being a certain way – allowing all a freedom of being just what it is, not harming, either in word or action, including yourself. Getting out of the way, open to how things really are. Giving everything without any strings or demands for reciprocity.
Love walks alongside, its’ arms gently around your shoulders, pouring through your being, respectful and at ease, giving so much space and closely touching/permeating, all at the same time. Love is wide open spaciousness, always allowing room to fly; ride wider waves and sing at the top of your lungs.
It is open arms holding a bigger picture. It is being less sure about things and seeing more.
Love is not about possessing someone, wanting to keep them safe and close by for your own needs. Love is not about worrying about someone, fearful for their well-being and holding them extra tight, for your own security. Love is not at all about fear or need, in fact.
It is lighting up when you see a close and personal loved one. It is seeing beauty in everyone’s face.
Love, as impersonal as the sun. Just as the sun shines indiscriminately, the consideration we can have towards every sentient being . . . our fellow humans, the animals and critters of the world, the trees and the earth itself, more than our own momentary needs, the desire for everyone’s and everything’s well-being.
Love is the field Rumi speaks of when he invites us to meet him there – beyond right doing and wrong doing. The open hearted, open minded, open armed love of knowing everyone and everything is sacred; love is transcendent of “differences” and is unconditional.
Love is utterly vulnerable and unprotected, standing firm and gently, in the open field, needing nothing and giving everything.
“Cherish the one beside you
Know yourself as worthy
Honor your brothers and sisters even when you disagree with their politics, their religion or what they would do to be heard.”
Paul Selig